It's Not That Simple
by Lilac01
Summary: Love. One simple word. Easy to spell, hard to say. Some throw it around like it's the easiest thing. Others try to say it but it always gets stuck in the back of their throats. Just sitting there like a lump of vile that refuses to leave. I'm one of those people.


It's Not That Simple.

Love. One simple word. Easy to spell, hard to say. Some throw it around like it's the easiest thing. Others try to say it but it always gets stuck in the back of their throats. Just sitting there like a lump of vile that refuses to leave. I'm one of those people.

Sure, I can tell my friends and family I love them. That's easy. But saying it to the person you love in a way that can't be explained by simple words or actions. The kind of love you feel all around you. It gives you this bubbly feeling in the pit of your stomach and a warm comforting feeling in your chest. It's the kind of love that makes you blush at just the thought of that special person. That is the kind of love that is hard to say. For me at least.

I don't know why it's hard for me to say, it's not like I've had any bad experience associating with that kind of love. (I've only ever loved one person in my life.) It's not like anyone around me has had any heart wrenching break ups that make you wary of loving anyone, afraid that you may experience the same thing one day. It's just that every time I try to say the word either to or about the man I do love, I choke. My throat tightens up and my mouth feels dry. My chest constricts and I have trouble breathing. I panic. And I don't know why.

I can admit it to myself in my head. No problem. But it's like my body is actually rejecting the use of this word.

I'm not scared to say it. I don't think I am at least. I trust the person I want to say it to. He's my best friend and I do love him. More than anything. I have no doubts about my feelings for him. I'm not scared of him hurting me. I know I'm safe with him. I know if he can help it he will never hurt me. So what's wrong with me? Why can't I say this one simple word to him?

In my defense he hasn't said it either. I think he's had moments when he's wanted to though. Sometimes he gives me this look, and I can't exactly explain the look but it's a look that is just filled with what can only be explained as love. I smile at him and ask him why he's looking at me like that. He just shakes his head though and usually says nothing. Sometimes he says I'm cute but that's about it. He never says it, but what about when he finally does? Am I going to be able to respond and say it back? Will I have a full on panic attack? Maybe I'll throw up. That would be gross. But it could totally happen.

We were sitting together in his car. We were waiting for Misty to come back out of Ash's house. We were only stopping by for a minute for her to drop something off and say goodnight.

We were talking at first but while he was talking I couldn't help but reach out and run my fingers through his hair like I always did. His hair felt soft. He always stopped talking when I did this. He would instantly relax and close his eyes like he was going to go to sleep, which he usually almost did.

I was smiling. I always smiled when I saw him like this. It was the only time I could study him without him looking at me funny and asking what I was staring at.

These moments were very precious to me. Sure this sort of thing happened often but that didn't make them any less special. We didn't talk. We didn't stare back at each other awkwardly. Neither of us felt the need to fill the silence. And that was okay. I didn't need words to be happy with him. Simply having him there next to me was enough.

His was leaning into my touch and he looked so peaceful. All his features were relaxed and if I didn't know better I would think he was sleeping. It was dark outside and we weren't very close so I couldn't study him like I usually did. But I didn't need the sun to be out to know exactly what he looked like. I already had what he looks like in these instances burned into my brain.

It came out of nowhere. I'm not sure why I chose this moment but suddenly I could feel it. The 'I love you' bubbling up in the back of my throat but instead of saying it and letting the word hang between us I panicked. I pulled away as fast as possible and scooted as far as I could away from him. I was starring very hard at my hands and I couldn't breathe. I tried to make my breathing even and controlled, which wasn't exactly easy.

He didn't notice my sudden change of behavior. I think he was too tired to take note of anything. Instead he shook his head and smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth making a sort of clicking sound. After he was more awake and aware of what was going on he scooted as close as he could to me in his own seat and reached for me. My chest still felt tight and I still felt panicky but I scooted to him as best I could. We weren't close enough to really touch or anything but we were close enough for him to be able to grab my chin and lean me forward to kiss him. As we kissed my chest loosened up and I felt myself relax.

That was the first time I truly felt that I did love him. I hadn't put much thought into it before that moment. I knew I could love him one day but I didn't know it would be this soon. After that day I became even more aware of him and more aware of the things I was saying when we were together. Sometimes I still want to say it—to pull him to me and just hold him against me and to whisper it in his ear but I know if I tried I wouldn't be able to. I would chicken out. Why? I'll let you know when I figure it out.

~.o0o.~

Sometimes I'll be fine. I'll be going about my day like I normally do and suddenly I just miss him. We could be talking all day, we could be flirty, cute, or just having normal conversations in our text messages and I'll be fine. Yeah, I smile and sometimes I get a little warm feeling in my chest. Sometimes butterflies. Most of the time I just feel content receiving a text message from him. Nothing special. Sometimes he sends something really cute and a part of me does miss him and I'll feel a little sad but that good kind of sad. That doesn't make any sense. Oh well.

But sometimes I open up my phone and without consciously doing it I end pulling up the pictures I have of him. I don't know why I do it. I know doing this will just make me feel sad and upset and I will have the small urge to cry because of how much I miss him but I can't help it. I can't help looking at the pictures and smiling. I can't help thinking he's mine. All mine and no one else's.

I don't need to look at the pictures, I already know exactly what they look like. The face he's making in each of them, the angle he takes the picture from, the way the light bounces of his eyes in each one. All these things I have burned into my memory. But still I open up those pictures and just stare at him and I always regret it.

I miss him. I want to kiss him. On his lips, on the freckle he has on his cheek close to his nose, I want to kiss his little cute dimple that freckle sits next to. I just feel the need to kiss his nice pink plump bottom lip. I crave it.

Eventually the need to kiss him won't be as strong and I begin to just want to feel his body up against mine as he holds me. I wish to dig my nose in his neck and smell him—which I never actually do when the chance is given. Sometimes I feel the need to and later I always regret that I didn't when I did have the chance.

After that I would settle for something as simple as having him in the same room as me. I just miss him so much and wish I could have him there with me more than anything. I often feel like crying at this point. I never do but I always feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes. I know if I allowed it I would cry. I miss him so much and I almost never tell him.

I tell him every once in a while but not a lot. No more than once a weekend. He doesn't really say it either. I recall him saying he misses me first twice, maybe three times. I'm not sure if he does miss me and he just isn't saying it because there's no point and it's just going to make us both sad or if he doesn't miss me. I think he does though. He just doesn't want to admit it to me. It's okay. It's probably for the better, even if it is nice to hear every once in a while.

I've gotten better about missing him though. I try filling my weekends with reading, and drawing, and other hobbies of mine. I try watching lame movies to keep my mind off of him but that doesn't really work anymore, I can always find something to remind me of him. Reading doesn't always help either. Especially when I come across a cute love scene in my book, sure it's cute but it makes me want to be able to kiss my boyfriend and hold him in my arms.

I wish he would call me more. I said something once about it. He's called me once since I said it too. I could just ask him to call me or something but I'm too shy and don't want to inconvenience him. Hearing his voice does help with the whole missing him thing though. Having him talk to me like he does when we are together helps me imagine him actually being there with me and I can't help but relax when I'm on the phone with him. I, of course, haven't shared any of that with him but would it really make a difference? Would he start calling me more? No idea.

'Can I call soon?'

That was random. He never wants to call me. I mean yeah, I recently said something about wanting to talk on the phone more but it wasn't brought up again after that and that was a few days ago.

'Sure.'

I couldn't help but smile when I replied. I miss him. I always miss him. But this time I don't have to just sit in my bed alone and worked up about missing him. This time I could hear his voice.

He didn't call me for anything special. Just to talk. He was off on some one day one night trip with his family and we mostly talked about that. The phone call wasn't special or anything. Suddenly he brings up that his brother and his girlfriend were holding hands and during some boring conference and they were leaning against each other half asleep and he made a comment about how that should have been us. I smile but didn't say anything else. A second later he told me he misses me. I felt tears sting my eyes. I felt myself smile ear to ear and before I could stop it I told him that I miss him too.

We stay silent for a moment before he starts going about something with the trip.

We only talk for about twenty minutes but I do feel better after hearing his voice. At the end of our phone call he says he would text me when he got back to the room but he still wants to say goodnight on the phone. He says his usual 'Goodnight and sweet dreams Mon Cheri. I'll text you when I get to my room' and he was gone. I was smiling tiredly and felt myself starting to drift off. It was different hearing him say goodnight than it was reading it. When he said it I immediately felt tired and relaxed. I tried staying up longer to keep texting him but I struggled and fell asleep within a few minutes after we hung up.

~0~

The worst part of my day is when we say goodnight. I never want to say it. Ever. When we first started dating he always went to bed really late, later than me. So I usually ended up passing out before we were able to say goodnight and I always went to bed first so it wasn't bad. But eventually it became him going to bed hours before me and I'd just sit in bed doing the same old thing I always do. And for whatever reason I sit there waiting for him to text me back even after we already said goodnight. I constantly checked my phone hoping to have a message from him but it's never there and I don't know why I keep expecting it to be.

He has a bad habit of saying goodnight when I miss him most too. After I've been looking through my pictures of him for like five minutes and I'm half way to the point of tears because I miss him so much and there he is with his typical text 'Good night and sweet dreams mon cheri!' He usually adds in 'I'll see you tomorrow' or 'I'll talk to you tomorrow' at the end too. Sometimes I don't mind. I just respond with my typical 'Nighty night! Don't let the bed bugs bite!' Those are nights I don't mind saying goodbye. Then there are nights I respond with just 'nighty night.' Those nights I'm usually wrapped up with something so don't feel like saying good night with my usual enthusiasm. But nights that I miss him a lot and don't want to say bye to him I just respond with 'night.' He doesn't notice the difference though and if he does he doesn't say it.

I fought him about going to bed a few times. Not many. Two or three. He stays up about an hour later or so those nights. I always feel bad about keeping him up because I know he's tired and needs his rest. Sometimes I just need to be a little selfish though. After a text or two I'm usually telling him to go to bed and that we'll talk tomorrow so there really isn't any point to make him stay up a little longer just for me. It did make me feel special. Maybe that's why I was okay with him going to bed after I tell him he can't. He makes me feel like I'm special and as long as I ask he will stay up just for me.

'Alright mon cheri, I'm getting kind of tired so I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight and sweet dreams mon cheri. I'll see you tomorrow.'

'No.'

'What do you mean no?'

'I mean no, I'm not saying goodnight. I'm don't want to yet.'

'You're so cute. :)'

'. How?'

'I'll tell you tomorrow. I'm too tired to explain.'

'Uh huh. Go to bed.'

'Okay, good night mon cheri. :)'

'Night.'

~.o0o.~

No. He's not perfect. Not even close. But he wants me to be happy and that's all that matters.

I don't care that he doesn't notice when I want him to stay up longer and talk to me. I don't care that sometimes he focuses more on his friends than he does me. I don't care that he doesn't say he misses me enough. I don't care that he says all the wrong things a lot. I don't care that he doesn't call me enough. I don't care that he's oblivious and doesn't notice most of the hints I give him. None of that matters.

He tries so hard to make sure I'm happy. He's always looking out for me and making sure I'm okay. If I'm upset about something or have something on my mind he always offers to listen to whatever it is, even though most of the time I tell him not to worry about it. If I tell him I don't want to talk about something or say I don't want to show him something he doesn't push it, he just says okay and goes on with his life.

I do love him. Even if I can't admit that to him. I love so many things about him. The way he smells, the way his lips feel against mine, the way our fingers intertwine together, the way his body melds against mine. I love the way he smiles and when his dimple shows. I love the face he gives me when I poke him on the cheek and call him cute and the small smirk he has when I ask for a kiss because I'm too shy to just kiss him myself. I love the way his hair feels when I run my fingers through it. I love the way he closes his eyes and how he practically falls asleep when I do mess with his hair. I love the stray hairs that grow along his jaw line. I love how silly he is. And cute. And weird. I love how he always feels the need to find something to say when were just sitting next to each other. I love the way he says something that smooth as fuck but then he has to ruin it with some stupid joke. I love how sometimes he says the cheesiest things out of nowhere and it's just the cutest thing. I love that he doesn't say any of the right things but he tries so hard to. I love that he's oblivious to so many things but at the same time he notices everything. I love that he's a complete idiot but he's also a genius. I love that he sends me derp pictures of himself. I love so many more things about him and I know I'm just going to keep finding more things about him to fall in love with.

Why can't I tell him any of this myself though? Why can't I just tell him that I love him? What's so wrong with me?

Love. It's so much more complicated than any of us know.

We spent the day together. We sat around his house all day watching movies and making out. Usual couple stuff. His parents weren't home for the day so he invited me over. I thought surely he was going to try something, isn't that usually what the point of spending the day alone with someone is? But he was actually a perfect gentleman.

I tried to hint that it was fine for him to at least grope me and did all the moves to insinuate it but still he did nothing.

It was already dark out by the time I left. He walked me out to my car to give me a kiss goodbye. I had been quiet for the last half hour of being at his house and as he walked me out. He knew I had something I wanted to say.

"What's wrong?"

I bit my lip and shock my head.

He took my hand, "You look like you have something you want to say."

We were at my car and I let go of his hand to unlock it. I didn't saying anything in response.

Usually he didn't push me on things when I showed that I didn't really want to talk about it but he kept pushing it this time.

"Come on, tell me."

"It's nothing."

"It doesn't seem like nothing."

I opened my car door and sat in the driver seat, once again not saying anything.

"Text it to me."

"I don't want to text something like this."

"Then tell me."

"I'm trying."

"Just say it."

I bit my bottom lip and looked at him. 'Say it' I told myself. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I closed it and looked away from him.

"Please tell me what it is."

I looked at him again, he was giving me that face. That cute pouty face he uses when he wants something. I kissed him. I softly placed my hands neck and pulled him towards me. Three quick pecks on the lips. He grabbed one of my hands as I pulled away and looked me in the eye.

"Tell me."

"I... I love you Drew." I said it so quietly I wasn't even sure he heard me. My voice had broken on the word love. For a moment I felt like crying.

He smirked at me, "I know."

My mouth fell and I looked at him like I was offended. Did he have any idea what I have been through trying to say this one stupid thing and he's going to respond back with something as cocky as I know?

He gave me a full smile after he saw my reaction. He grabbed both my hands and kissed me on the lips. Slow and gentle. He pulled away and gave me a huge smile. "I love you too May."

End

**So I was trying something different and wanted to see where it was going to go. Actually turned out really well I think. All of the events and feelings are things that actually happened to me and things I have felt with the guy I am with now. I did switch some things around to fit the characters better but not much. Only minor things. I really enjoyed writing this and seeing how it came along and will probably write something based off of past experiences again. I hope you guys enjoyed it! Please review and let me know what all of you think! 3**


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